So, lately you all know I've been posting poems about my feelings which were like decades ago meaning just a month ago before anything happened. Back when it was just this confusing innocent little thing. Now, that we've upgraded and trust me it's only been two weeks, with exams and all..It's been even more confusing than ever! Stressful! All these emotions bottling up inside of me and transforming into this shadow that follows me then swallows me whole. Till, it bursts out into flames!
The sweetness turned sour starting, October 7, 2013. Listening, to the cover of Back to Black by Naya Rivera. This girl seems way into her feelings, way out of mind, and way too affected by HIM. I don't understand where I went wrong, having no communication letting my mind wildly trick me into becoming paranoid. Running in the rain, nearly getting hit by a car, just at the fact I turned around to see him there. Can, you imagine? Missing him and thinking of the endless possibilities of what he could be doing then all of a sudden you see him!!!
I couldn't stand another minute in the coldness of his ignorance on this wide street of puddles. Truthfully speaking, I have no idea why I ran. I mean isn't that what I wanted, To see him? Maybe, because I knew that I was with my sister and he was with his friends. Standing there waiting for him to walk over to me was just me being stuck in my own fantasy. He wouldn't get near me even if the earth was falling apart. So, I didn't waste time and went my own way. His "Sorry's" couldn't even fix this. All, I wanted was for him to chase me and grab me by the arm and get mad and call me an idiot for running. A dream I can only picture to come true.
Our communication had been cut off, there's only one option, I thought. To talk in personal! I was wrong again, Facebook happened. What exists between us is this infatuation of one-sided love on both sides which we cannot break. Similar as, walls between walls, breaking it is just useless. Giving up is useless. Because, it hurts me when I say mean things to him..like, Why? I wish I could meet someone who has enough patience to cover this entire atmosphere and the ability to understand my actions just in a blink of an eye. Even, when it gets rough, I don't stop! I push and push then it ends up to be something not worth fighting for.
God, knows. I believe he gives these blessings and lessons, just for me to have and to learn from, but in the end, I'm not one to keep it/them. Tell me what "Pride" is! Tell me what "Giving Up" Means! Tell me if I'm going to be okay after all of this...please. Because, in regards to that I have no pride for myself when it comes to somebody I like. I will do almost anything for them and giving up? I may struggle and complain on the way, but never do I feel like giving up unless I ask that person if he doesn't want or like me anymore. Then, I give them a choice if they want to stay or leave. For the love of everything, I don't know if I'll be okay..heck, I'm not even sure I'm okay now.