#16 - My Favorite Number Now Mocks Me

WARNING! THIS MAYBE VERY DEEP! SO, DO NOT READ IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE IT! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. 

Why is it that in all of my success. No. Despite all of my success. I can't help, but feel as though I am the one who failed you in so many ways. You broke me, tore me into pieces, lied to me, ditched me, and possibly even cheated on me. But, why am I feeling this way? When we talked yesterday on the 16th, you remembered it was "our day" of every month. I ended it other than just ignoring you and leaving you hanging on or for myself actually. I didn't want to leave myself hanging on to you, because I knew I had to move on. 

When I told you of these things you ignored it all and gladly asked how I was doing. Telling me to always take care as if you have looked after me for a long time. You knew I was leaving but this time for good yet still you led me on my way. Saying "Thank you for everything" those words I hate till now.  I am here, where I should be from the beginning. Lost, sad, confused, but happy. It almost makes me sorta laugh at the near thought of myself being who I was before when I know deep down inside I'm not. 

Sitting on my bed, watching Korean Drama's, not having anyone to think about or even care about. I want to tell you that I still think about you, I know I can't say this to get you back, because I just simply can't. Our relationship was destructive and reckless to the point that it could make someone take one good look at it and say that it wasn't going to work. It's true, it didn't even last 2 months. It really is something when people tell you to move on and you try your hardest, but it just doesn't work.

How, your friends can make you laugh and make you forget the image of his face in your head, but his presence and touch is still there lingering onto your skin. Like, a ghost that haunts me both day and night. It was nice having you actually make the first move for the first time though it was already too late. We both need to concentrate on different things, on better things for you and I are both still too young. I miss him. 

I've grown a lot wiser enough to set my priorities straight and say all the right things just to make people believe that I am doing well and has moved on. When in truth, I really haven't and I say those things so, I could hear myself say it and maybe just maybe even believe it. Yes, it is true that he didn't deserve me nor did he deserve my love. And, maybe he wasn't the right one for me but I loved him anyway and at times I still do. 

Because, neither you nor I know what he did or what he felt at the time. We just simply don't know! Yeah, we had some pretty messed up issues, but we also had some great memories that made all the issues seem like little things. Now, look! I look like an idiot! I am still the fool that I used to be. I cry a little here and there, I sigh a little here and there. Then, tomorrow is another day. Constantly painstakingly hanging on to yesterday's physical and mental suffering. 

A better man has already begun to try to replace you and it's confusing, trust me. However, I see you slowly fading and I grab onto you once again. I don't like the way it hurts or the things you do. But, if I had a choice to come back to you. I wouldn't. You cannot fix what is broken and you cannot just exit out of somebody's life only to walk through the back door and say "Oh hey! Wait! I forgot I had feelings for you" and simply expect things to go back to the way it was. 

I did fall deep. I did learn my lesson. I gave our relationship 100%. I did what I wanted. And, now I'm just tired. My heart is tired. My eyes are tired. Enough is enough. Just like my favorite number you were my favorite as well; My favorite person in the whole wide world, and just like it..you mock me as well.

Your's Truly,

Ashley